


feeling guilty worried, waking from tormented sleep

by fzywood



Series: BBS Gang Tales [3]
Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Gang Violence, Gangs, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Nightmares, Not Beta Read, We Die Like Men, piercing in back babey, semi violence, weaknesses babey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 20:54:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18645931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fzywood/pseuds/fzywood
Summary: this is loosely based off of winged-salad's thing in h2o in denial where evan's weakness is his back/that whole concept like i genuinely adore it and this is written so poorly but PLEASE look at their art abt it its so fucking good! thanks!Here's their fucking link!! Check out their art!!! It's fucking COOL and AMAZING thanks!! : https://winged-salad.tumblr.com/





	feeling guilty worried, waking from tormented sleep

**Author's Note:**

> this is loosely based off of winged-salad's thing in h2o in denial where evan's weakness is his back/that whole concept like i genuinely adore it and this is written so poorly but PLEASE look at their art abt it its so fucking good! thanks!
> 
> Here's their fucking link!! Check out their art!!! It's fucking COOL and AMAZING thanks!! : https://winged-salad.tumblr.com/

The gunshots were loud and it felt like the earplugs Evan had in were doing nothing to protect against the ringing noise. His earpiece, where was it? No, he never had one. He didn’t have an earpiece, even though he should’ve. After that realization, the gun in his hands had disappeared and he realized how he was armless. He was vulnerable. He was wea-

 

The piercing through his back was strong and he couldn’t breathe. Nothing felt real besides the hole that was currently in his body and even though he could hear the screams around him, the screaming of his name or the screaming of just being in danger ( _ of course Evan was failing them _ ), the only thing he could focus on was the pain that was spreading through his body. His arms and legs felt weak yet he couldn’t fall. No, he could, but he wouldn’t be able to stop he realized. Even if he let himself fall, it wouldn’t help with the immense pain he felt.

 

Soon the screams had quieted down and Evan wondered if they failed. If  _ he _ failed them. They probably were watching sit there, his back pierced yet he wasn’t doing anything. 

 

Another sharp object entered his back and barely made it through the anterior side. Of course he let himself be attacked when he was vulnerable. Of course his weakness had been obvious to the enemy and now he had to pay. He had to pay with the life of his family and his life draining out slowly.

 

Then he woke up. He woke up to Jonathan shaking him, looking at him with fear and some tears even streaming down his cheeks. That’s when Evan realized the wetness on his own cheeks too. 

 

“Evan! Are you okay?” Jonathan’s voice was loud and full of worry and the Asian didn’t say anything but slowly sat up, much to his lovers dismay, and placed a soft hand on his cheek.

 

“What was your dream about?” Jon asked softly, melting into Evan’s hand.

 

“Why do you ask when you already know?” Evan had had this nightmare often, always varying, but it always ended up with Evan being pierced in his most vulnerable moment.

 

“Maybe one day it’ll change.” Jonathan’s hope was appreciated greatly by Evan but the Asian shook his head and wrapped an arm around his lover before they laid back down again. 

 

“I hope.” Evan let out a pitiful laugh as he nuzzled his head into his boyfriend’s neck, causing the other to laugh lightly, and Evan felt his chest warm up and maybe, just maybe, he could get some more sleep tonight.

 

///

 

“Delirious, Toonz, Basically, and Wildcat, get the left side, they’re starting to send more people from over there.” Evan ordered into his earpiece as he, Brian, and Craig made their way into the warehouse, needing to retrieve a case that had been stolen.

 

None of them knew what was in it, nor did the person want to disclose what was in it. Of course, it was one of Evans more trusted mission senders, so he wouldn’t question them. He could always send Jonathan and Tyler after him if need be, seeing as they were definitely the most dangerous fighters out of his entire crew.

 

Evan ordered Craig and Brian to take the downstairs, knowing that was where the suitcase was located. He decided he wanted to deal with the boss himself, and he had a gut feeling that the leader was in his office which was located on the top floor, with a door that had a keypad. After much monitoring and in general, difficult technology that Evan didn’t feel like dealing with, John and Jaren had identified what the password was.

 

Craig and Brian followed his orders, wishing their leader luck, before heading off. Evan walked calmly towards the stairs, gun in hand, ready to shoot anything that even moved slightly. He didn’t know why, but his gut was telling him that something was off. That something bad was going to happen.

 

He ignored it and went up to the door anyways, unlocking it.

 

He opened the door slowly and there the boss sat, drinking from a glass full of ice and alcohol. He tightened his grip and stepped into the room, bringing the gun up to the man, his aim right on his forehead.

 

“I’m honored Los Santos’ most feared gang was sent after me.” The man said as he swirled the drink in his hand, looking right into Evan’s eyes.

 

“And you should be honored their leader decided he wanted to end you.” Evan said as he glared right at the other male.

 

“I have a question for you.” The other male said as he stood up, causing Evan to take a step back, as the other male started to head towards one of the windows looking out into the warehouse.

 

“Does the power ever get to you? You’re one of the… good gangs… So I was wondering, before you kill me, for the greater good you excuse, do you ever use the power for your advantage? Have you ever lost your mind, even for a second, to all the power?” The question shook Evan to his core but he tried not to let it show.

 

“Of course not, and killing you is for the better. The file sent to us has all of the crimes you’ve committed. But the power will never get to my head, I don’t see myself as more powerful than any of the others.” Evan took a step closer to the other male as he began to laugh.

 

“Then why are  _ you _ up her, not one of your confidants? Why didn’t you send yourself out there with your men? You could’ve sent anyone up here to kill me, yet for some reason, you let yourself be safe up, with an unarmed man, while your crew, maybe they could be called your  _ workers _ , be out there? Fighting for  _ you _ ?” He asked and Evan felt his grip loosen at the realization.

 

How often did he subconsciously put himself before the team? Did they resent him for all he’s done? For all the injuries he’s caused them? How could he call himself a leader when he’s let his men always be hurt?

 

“You’re realizing it now, how selfish you are, hm? That’s a shame, I thought you were smarter than that, Mr. Fong.” Evan could hear the sound of the male placing down his drink and as soon as the footsteps were coming closer towards him, Evan was gripping the gun tight again and he didn’t realize that he had  _ shot _ the man multiple times until Evan came back, the male on the ground with blood surrounding him as he screamed out in pain.

 

Evan felt like throwing up.

 

He never felt bad for killing these guilty men, they deserved what they got, and this male was no exception. But Brock would’ve handled this better, he would’ve been more rationale. Tyler would’ve just walked in and murdered the male. Marcel would’ve been able to ignore what he was saying and just shoot the man normally. He didn’t feel bad for this male, but for his team. How fucking selfish was he?

 

He dropped the gun as he fell to his knees, the male beside him going quiet, and suddenly Evan was alone with his thoughts. He could feel his body trembling and he wondered if any of them hated him for how selfish he was. How could he let himself-

 

No, he needed to pull himself together and talk to the team. He needed to be rationale, he couldn’t let some man’s words cloud everything he had fought for.

 

He got up and left before he could let himself stall anymore in there. By the time he was outside of the room, all of his crew was in the warehouse, talking. None of them seem too injured, luckily, but what about next time? What about the time after that? One of them was bound to get injured sometime and what could he do?

 

As he started to come down the stairs, his gang starting to realize that they were all done, none of them had noticed that figure that was now standing against the door, heavily leaning against it.

 

It was too late though, when they did notice the figure when they heard the shot of a gun.

 

The all too familiar feeling of a piercing in his back cause dhis breath to hitched and he wondered if this was some fucked up nightmare, that he’d wake up with his lover looking at him worriedly and trying to talk to him about how he had another dream like this.

 

But the shouts of anger and the all too real feeling of pain as he tumbled down the stairs made sure that he knew that this was real. That the blood leaving his body was his and that the screams around him were of pure anger.

 

As he felt himself losing consciousness, he realized that he had let himself be vulnerable that entire time. He was failing his team because as their leader, he was the weakest in that moment.

 

///

 

When Evan came to the first time, everything felt like  _ too _ much and even the beeping of the heart monitor was too much for him. He barely let his eyes open, but he had seen multiple figures around his bed, though he couldn’t tell if they were awake or net either. His eyes closed again and he fell asleep again.

 

Evan came to a total of three times before he was actually awake and functioning. Well, barely functioning. He wasn’t allowed to leave his bed for a couple of weeks since he needed his back to heal mostly so he wouldn’t possibly cause anything bad to happen accidentally. As his crew came in and out of the room, talking to Evan softly while making sure as to not disturb him.

 

He wanted to apologize each time to all of them, he truly did, but he felt like his words were jumbled and that they would push it off as his medicine. He wanted to tell all of them how much he respected each of them and how he never thought he was abusing his power. He needed to tell them how  _ fucking _ sorry he truly was that he let themselves be injured so much while he had protected himself. 

 

When Jonathan came into the room, silent, Evan finally was able to say sorry. He had started to cry and Jon held him carefully, though he was confused why his boyfriend was saying sorry when he should’ve been. He didn’t protect him when he had had this dream  _ so _ many times, yet he never thought it’d happen. He should’ve been there with Evan.

 

“When I’m up again, gather everyone in the living room for me. I need to tell everyone something.” Evan’s words were messy but Jonathan understood the gist of it and nodded.

 

He owed Evan so much and this was one little thing he could do.

 

///

 

With everyone in the living room, all staring up at Evan, he felt himself almost choke up. But he was their leader and he needed to admit his wrongs, and even if his whole gang hated him, he needed to be honest.

 

“I’m sorry everyone,” Evan began, causing everyone to look at him confusion. “I didn’t realize how selfish I had been. I’ve been sending all of you out to fight while I sent myself to deal with bosses or anything like that, giving myself the easier work. I never realized how selfish I had been.” He felt like his voice sounded cold but he was truly sorry.

 

“Not forgiven.” Tyler was the first one to say something and Evan felt his body freeze at the words.

 

His crew did ha-

 

“Yeah, we never thought you were selfish.” Brian sat up as he said his words.

 

“You did what any leader does, you took on other leaders. I don’t think any of us would be more qualified than you to do that shit.” Marcel’s words made Evan’s body start to relax.

 

“I personally like fighting the bad guys. Bosses are terrifying and I think you’re the best at this, I mean, look at how far we’ve come under your direction.” Jonathan’s familiar voice felt the most warming and he felt silly now for letting the guy get under his skin.

 

“If anything we should’ve been sorry Evan, we didn’t see the guy originally. If we had we could’ve prevented your injuries.” Craig’s apology made Evan’s stomach turn.

 

He should’ve made sure the guy was dead, it was his fault for his injury, not his crew’s.

 

“That’s my fault though, I didn’t make sure he was dead an-”

 

“No, no more apologies Fong, we’re supposed to help protect you and we didn’t, so we’re sorry.” Jaren’s apology felt sincere and Evan realized he didn’t have anymore energy to stand up there.

 

“You guys are terrible but I’m going to head to bed, I’ll see all of you in the morning.” Evan felt bad on cancelling his little speech so quickly but he felt his body close to just collapsing and he knew Brock would be pissed at him.

 

“Evan!” Tyler called out and the male in question looked at him. “You’re a great leader and you’re all we could’ve asked for.” 

 

Evan felt his heart warm at the words and he gave a thumbs up as he headed towards his room, ready to pass out.

 

Within minutes of slight limping he finally reached his bed, and Jonathan was right there behind him.

 

“So, what caused that apology?” Jon asked as he helped his lover get to bed.

 

“Just something on my mind.” Evan admitted, pulling the covers on top of him.

 

“Caused by? I know you wouldn’t think that on your own out of nowhere babe.” Jonathan joined his lover under the covers and the brunette was quick to pull the noirette into his embrace.

 

“The guy I had to kill, he started questioning me and I realized how selfish I had been.” Evan felt his eyes starting to close, his body’s tiredness taking over extremely.

 

“You’re not selfish, Ev. You’re far from it, hell, the things you’ve done for this group? We’ll never meet how much we all owe you. You gave us a family, some of us from nothing, some of us from all, and we all owe you so much for all of it.” Jonathan’s words started to fade out as Evan fell asleep, but the former noticed the smile that was playing on the latter’s lips.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks 4 reading this poorly written thing lol <3


End file.
